>words of ava ;)

>”You cant be a champion if you don’t do the right thing every single day…day in and day out…it just cant happen”

>im such a gleek :)

>

Yes…im a dork…and im 38 years old!  They are coming to philly on june 8th….and yes im getting tickets for me and my sister!  I told her and she was so excited…she said “we have to get good seats!!!!…LOL!  Love it!!

>is it possible?

>

Wow..it just amazes me how fast time just goes.  Even just the time during the work day.  January is over already…its just crazy!

Everything is going well on the fitness front.  Im not sure how much I have lost since I got my new diet on January 4th but im feeling good.  Clothes are still fitting comfortably and the boobs are getting lighter so I know im losing but its slow….and I get impatient and I want it now but I know its not how it works so im just taking it a day at a time. 

My flight and the hotel is booked for the Arnold!  Im so excited I get to see my bud again!  Its been a year!!!  Way too long!  There are also a bunch of other chickies that im excited to see again and  also some that I talk to but have never met…I get to finally meet them in person too!  So this should be a fun trip….as long as it doesn’t snow and make it hard for me to get out of philly.  (Fingers crossed).  Two girls are competing in the amateur on Thursday night so we are going to that show this year..last year we didn’t go but this time we are…so that should be fun….we are going to have to hustle our butts to get there because my flight gets in at 3:00 and the show is at 7:00 so hopefully we will make good time and get there as early as we can

In my last post I had mentioned some goals that I had in my head and I really hate even putting them out in this blog because it seems so out of reach for me sometimes and it is just a dream for me…but maybe if I put it in writing it will make it more realistic?  Probably not but what the heck right?  I want to be able to place at a show so that I qualify for nationals…there…I said it…I have a lot of work to do and im not even sure if its even possible…but everyone needs a goal right? 

To be able to qualify for nationals seems like such a big impossible dream….well so would being on the national stage! 

It is going to take a lot of work and sacrafice and tears to get where I want to be.  A part of me believes that I can do it…the other part thinks im out of my mind….

I want to see what side wins

>Happy New Year….(a week late)

>

Wow…I figure I may as well post since it has been exactly a month since I last blogged.  I promise that I will keep up with this more…especially since I really want to take some notes regarding my workout regime and how im feeling.  Basically just to be able to look back and know what was going on during the weeks and months as they go by.

I don’t want to continue to have this blog as a bashing session for me to put myself down and oh woe is me.  I have been playing the victim for way to long.  I continuously and repetitively put myself down over and over and it just gets me nowhere. 

So with a fresh year we are going to have a fresh outlook…and I am going to make this my year.  I have plans in my head that im really not ready to say out loud.  I will soon though. 

First off…I just have to backtrack on here for a minute.

The holidays were nice.  They weren’t so nice to my butt though.  I gained some poundage….not a whole lot but some.  I just couldn’t be a good girl everyday….and somehow I still have that mentality that I deserve it…whatever….maybe some day I will learn But its done and over.  There is nothing I can do so I move on….

Christmas eve my mom cooked…the Italian 7 fishes meal…way too much food….and some of it is fried…I helped cook so my clothes stunk like fried food when I got home and so did my hair…ugh!    We have Angelica for Christmas eve so we do her presents then.  She makes out well  

Christmas day (morning) we went to my sister’s house to see my nephew wake up to see what Santa brought him….oh and santa brought a whole lot!!  You couldn’t even walk!  It was crazy!  And the funny thing was,  he saw this Cars racetrack and that was all he could care about…we were all trying to get him to look at all his other presents….couldn’t care less….then we ate breakfast at my sisters and then opened presents and then went home for a bit.  For dinner we actually went to my brother-in-law’s sister’s house….sounds confusing but if you know anything about my crazy family you will know that while my family is close, his family is also….and there are many holidays we all spend together so it wasn’t an odd thing.  Dinner was great….Nicky’s sister Kim is actually watching what she eats and has lost about 50 pounds so far and so our dinner was pretty healthy……well healthier than it  normally would be. 

New Years Eve, me and adam went to dinner with my parents and then just went back to their house for midnight…it was nice and quiet and perfect And I didn’t overeat at dinner which made it even better! 

Now back to the present.

I put in for new workouts/diet plan and I started on Monday (well the workouts on Monday and the diet Tuesday).  I have a lot of prep with Mike’s meal plan..but im constantly eating which is nice. 

(this pic was taken from Gina Aliotti’s site..i printed it out real big and have it by my treadmill  

I have my work cut out for me….but I know I will get where I want to.  I just need to remember to take one day at a time. 

Lets do this!!!!!!!!!

>Tuesday :)

>It has been so long since i have posted…im such a bad blogger

A short and sweet update is in order…

Thanksgiving was great.  Ate too much, of course. 

Saturday after thanksgiving was adam’s 40th birthday….and for his birthday we went to Cancun   It was a glorious week long vacation filled with guacamole and pina coladas   I probably gained 10 pounds…which i know is mostly fluff from eating and drinking crap and its slowly going away.  I did make it to the gym 3 days out of the 7 but it probably didn’t matter due to all the food….all inclusives  are good and bad…good that you dont have to worry about having all the extra money to spend on food and drinks but bad because some of the choices you make you wouldn’t necessarily make if you were paying for it.  We had a wonderful week and had only one day of bad weather (which wasn’t really bad…just cloudy and windy).

We spent the week there and on Sunday i had dinner for him and my family came over to help celebrate

So now its back to reality and back to the gym and packing my food.  I feel better now that im back on track

But with the holidays coming im going to have to really keep an eye on my food intake.

It felt really good to get into the gym yesterday.  I did legs.  today i did shoulders.

Now here is my issue for today.  I always seem to compare myself to others…case in point….there is this girl at my gym..i see her every so often. She is very lean and i know she works hard..but before seeing her i was feeling good doing my shoulder workout….then standing next to her and seeing how nice her arms are and her legs, etc…i wanted to kill myself (not literally of course) but i get so mad at myself….why cant i look like that?  I work hard, i eat fairly well (well not this past week) but you know what i mean.  I think sometimes that  i will never look like that…i hate thinking like that, but i feel like i will never look the way i want to. 

I have had this blog for how long now?  3 years?  and i still have the same issues…yes i got down to 102 pounds, and yes i competed twice…but i am still a mess…and why?  because instead of continuing to build on the foundation that i had, i ate. 

I dont want to go on this woe is me bullcrap but i need to just basically shit or get off the pot…as the saying goes. 

I need to realize that i cant have it both ways…i cant eat what i want and then expect to look good.  Why is it so hard for me to comprehend ?  I still want to eat things i shouldn’t and still want to have a lean physique.,.it doesn’t work that way…i know that…..yet i still do wrong??  Its such a viscious horrible circle that i have been dealing with for years and years.  I dont know what i think im missing…i know what chocolate cake tastes like, i know what chocolate tastes like….and its all mind over matter….i know all this….

i need to stop talking now…..cause im just rambling

>P28 Bread Review

>
Jeff from Nutribread was kind enough to send me a loaf of their incredible P28 bread.  I was instantly in love.  Taking the loaf out of the box and grabbing the loaf of bread and reading the nutritional information on the package it at first seemed too good to be true!  Can it be?  Can a piece of bread actually taste good and have 14 grams of protein in one slice of bread?  The answer is YES!!!!!  Now being pretty restrictive in my diet for so long a slice of bread is taboo in the figure/bikini/fitness world…well now it doesn’t have to be!  My hubs was loving it too!  This is a total godsend!  Now, dont get me wrong, im not being super strict right now but even when i am XX many weeks out, i cant possibly see how this cant be incorporated into one’s diet, once in a while??  

Here are the nutritional facts….not too bad huh?

Well i must also say that i got sad when the loaf was dwindling down….and hubs was trying to eat it all and i was getting very stingy and possessive   So i went online on monday and i ordered a case (which is 4 loaves) and it came in the mail yesterday   2 day service to make it even better!!!  I froze 3 loaves and one is out.  It is so fresh and soft and it makes you feel like you are being bad by eating bread…but your not!  You MUST try this bread!!!  A case of 4 was only 20.00 and with shipping i think it was 26.00??  Honestly, i didn’t care spending it because it is that good

>Banana Walnut Crumb Muffins

>I had 3 ripe bananas..i was looking for an easy recipe that i could make that i would be able to tweak a little to make it “somewhat” healthy.  I did…thanks to a blog that i found “Culinary in the Country” i made these

Banana Muffins  

I changed it up a  little bit to make it a “little” bit healthier…i did wind up using real sugar but I used I cant believe its not butter, and i added a scoop of vanilla protein powder to the mix.  Also, i added a handful of chocolate chips and i also added some walnuts into the batter…not just in the topping

Banana Walnut Crumb Muffins

For the muffin batter

1 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 large ripe bananas — mashed with a fork
3/4 cup sugar
1 large egg — well beaten
1/3 cup butter — melted ( i used I cant believe its not butter)

1 scoop vanilla protein powder

For the Crumb Top

1/3 cup packed brown sugar
1 tablespoon flour
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1 tablespoon cold butter
1/4 cup finely chopped, toasted walnuts

Set oven to 375 degrees. Lightly spray a 12 cup muffin pan with cooking spray.

In a large bowl, combine all dry muffin ingredients (except for the sugar). In another bowl, combine the bananas, sugar, egg and melted butter; mix well, stir into the dry ingredients, only until moistened. Fill the muffin cups 3/4 cup full.

Crumb Topping: Combine brown sugar, flour, cinnamon; cut into butter until crumbly, add in the nuts. Sprinkle over muffins.

Bake 18-20 minutes, or until muffins test done. Cool in pan 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack.

Here are some pics…

Im not a food photographer…and i took them with my iphone….

I was pretty excited…they smelled sooo good while they were baking…and yes i had a half of one

the rest went to work with me and with hubby…

I was proud of myself…i am really enjoying baking….maybe I should start a food blog????  LOL!  

I will keep you posted with that one

>happy wednesday

>Some days are just better than others. And what im beginning to learn is that when i get my ass out of bed to hop on the treadmill, the day seems to start out so much better. I did only get in 26 minutes, but i also got a load of clothes done and i made breakfast and got our lunches together too….oh and took out the trash

Monday’s workout was brutal. I must have gone heavier than i am used to because it is still hard for me to walk. Getting up and down out of my chair at work is a chore…and because i have to pee so much because of the water, its beginning to bug me.

I went to my sister’s last night to see my nephew. I had a bag of frozen shrimp left in her freezer so i made that and a salad…they had pasta. I did have a meatball though

When i got home from there, Adam wasn’t home yet from taking Angelica to karate and to dinner (it was her 12th birthday yesterday…we celebrated on friday night since her b-day fell during the week). I decided to take down the Halloween decorations….ugh….it feels like i just put them up, and then i sat….and at around 9:30 i decided to get ready for bed….took a hot bath to soak my aching legs and that made me sooo sleepy! I think i was out cold by 10:15 or so….so i got a good nights sleep….hence me able to get out of bed…its the only way i can do it.

What i am discovering about myself is that i have this mentality that because i dont have a “show date” that i can just lay back and eat things that i shouldn’t (i.e….the pumpkin cookies that my mom made on halloween or the harvest blend m&ms)…that is not me. I like being strict with my eating and knowing that what i am eating is good for me and is going to make me feel better and look better. so why do i feel as though i am “allowed” to eat those bad things? especially when i have a trip that i will be wearing a two piece bathing suit at in 24 days??? Yes, 24 days….and it will be here so quickly!

So i have decided to pull out my diet from last year around this time and do my best to continue to eat clean and get as much treadmill time as i can.

Oh and did i mention that i have my 20 year reunion on November 20th? yeah….dont want to go…i went to my 5 year and that was torture…

the thing is, the people that i want to talk to i do…and there is a reason that i dont talk to the other people i went to school with…and with facebook…i know what is going on in their lives…i dont need to see them…but my one good friend was president of her class and she is organizing the stupid thing so i told her i would go. UGH!

So i need to be good and not a bloated cow for the next few weeks….i think i can handle that

I wanted to also thank Amyella for introducing me to a blog….dooce  She is a great, funny writer…,and she takes pictures daily of her kids and especially of her two dogs….nothing better than a dog in a halloween costume….check it out

>its me!

>Man, I have been trying to update for so long…I just run out of time.

I guess I have to go back a few weeks. I guess it was about the 12th of October or so, and I was beginning to make myself crazy worrying about if I was going to be ready or not for this show. Me and April were going back and forth talking about it….it was beginning to become so stressful. On her end, she had to lose a day off of work without pay…and just the whole money issue itself was getting me nervous. Don’t forget I had to fly (which was $225.00)..plus the room ($120 a night) and my suit getting restoned and the NPC card (90) and entry fee and tanning…so it would have been a really expensive time and without me really setting aside money for it and then on top of it all to worry about christmas right after…so we said lets just not do it this year.
But with this comes my brain doing a 360!

Some of my thoughts:

• How do I cope? I have no goal? What do I do? This has been all I have been thinking about for months!
• Cardio…I don’t have to do 2 hours a day now?
• Oatmeal? I can have my oatmeal back? I missed it so!!!• Im such a loser, I cant believe Im not competing this whole year….I tried to do 3 different shows and messed up during all of them.
• Why do I make myself crazy?
• I know what I want to do…I just have to do it
• I need more muscle I just don’t want to get on stage like I just lost weight.. I want to belong
• ooh…I don’t have to get up at 5:00!

So after all that….I felt ok….at peace…kind of. Because during all this me and hubby also decided to book a trip to Mexico for his 40th birthday. We talked about it back and forth and I was all excited cause I would be all thin from my show on the 14th and then two weeks later I would be all thin for mexico…..well now, there is no show….and my eating eased up a little….so now im not where I want to be for my trip! Ugh!! I hate being me sometimes!! Im so crazy with myself constantly…its exhausting! LOL!!!

So we are going to mexico the Saturday after thanksgiving…so im excited about that!

What else is going on ??? Mmmm…..not sure….nothing else really exciting….

Halloween was fun….we took my nephew out trick or treating..he was Woody from Toy Story…he kept saying he wanted me to be Jessie…but adult jessie costumes were 45.00 and I wasn’t spending 45.00 for an hour of trick or treating But he was so cute and I just love his face!!! Even though he wouldn’t take a picture with me! Grr.!

I did make some cute cupcakes that I got from this fabulous blog and I wanted to try them…I think they came out really cute!!!I was a little impressed with myself

So I guess that is all I got..but at least I finally blogged! Its only been nearly a month! I suck!

I will try and keep up….if there are any readers out there left

>see its another tuesday already!

>Wow..its already a week since i posted last….

this past weekend hubby went away for work…i was so sad….it really makes you realize how much you love someone when they are not right there next to you…i had anxiety all day yesterday in work because he was supposed to come home on an earlier flight but it was cancelled due to weather and then his scheduled flight was delayed a few hours….so he didn’t get home until 7:00 last night…and that was after being at the airport from 6:30 am!  I was so happy to see him….and i know he missed me too    So last night was fun

This weekend was also crappy from the standpoint that i still felt like shit and i wanted to rip my head off my shoulders cause i couldn’t breathe and then i was coughing too….so running was out of the question….

weight was the same this week as last….so now im 6 weeks out and im behind.

Im feeling better now so cardio is back on but missing those few days hurt.  I had to send pics in to mike and i put in for a new diet on saturday….and usually he is good with getting it to me by sunday night so i could start it on monday….STILL DONT HAVE IT!!!!!!  So im still following my old meal plan but he better get it to me soon!

So that is kinda pissing me off…..

I did find out that Ava Cowan is doing the KY Pro show….so i would get to see her in person which will be incredible…..if i make it to Kentucky, that is…..im giving myself to 4 weeks out….im not buying my plane tickets until then…..if i dont see any improvements, i may have to just suck it up and not do it….i want to, but i dont want to get up there if im not ready.

Suit…..im re-stoning April’s green suit…..i bought the hot fix stones to glue the stones to the suit….it is looking pretty good…except for the fact that when i went to put it on to take pics…like 5 stones came off!  That isn’t good….so i dont know what to do about that???  Any suggestions would be appreciated

Other than that……hmmmm….oh….Erin Stern posted  some progress pics on facebook…. i copied them to put them on here…but it just makes me feel like there is hope for me…..even though im a lot older…im thinking i can change…..but its going to take time…..